From: paddy.o'brien@zzz.tg.nsw.gov.au
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2000 08:58:52 +0010

Pamet Systems, Inc. claims no ownership, copyright, or title to any of the items
contained in this document.

These quotations, headlines, news items, etc. come from a total of about fifty
sources, but the bulk of them are from the following books:

        SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
        AND OTHER FLUBS FROM THE NATION'S PRESS
        Compiled by Gloria Cooper

        RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
        AND MORE FLUBS FROM THE NATION'S PRESS
        Compiled by Gloria Cooper

        Press Follies
        Compiled by Robert Goralski

        If No News, Send Rumors: Anecdotes of American Journalism
        Compiled by Stephen Bates

        The Experts Speak
        Compiled by Christoper Cerf and Victor Navasky

        Quotations of Wit and Wisdom
        Compiled by John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese

        Live Wires [telegrams]
        Compiled by Angus McGill and Kenneth Thomson

        The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
        Compiled by Robert Byrne

        The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
        Compiled by Robert Byrne

        The Third - And Possibly The Best - 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
        Compiled by Robert Byrne

        The Bad Guys Quote Book
        Compiled by Robert Singer

        The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations
        Compiled by Fred Metcalf

        The Book of Insults and Irreverent Quotations
        Compiled by Donald Hook and Lothar Kahn

        The Book of Insults
        Compiled by Nancy McPhee

        The Second Book of Insults
        Compiled by Nancy McPhee

        The Howls of Justice: Comedy's Day in Court
        Compiled by Harry Shafer and Angie Papadakis

        The Book of Strange Facts and Useless Information
        Scot Morris

        The Dictionary of Misinformation
        Tom Burnam

        More Misinformation
        Tom Burnam

        The Verse By the Side of the Road: The story of the Burma-Shave signs
        Frank Rowsome, Jr.

        The Devil's Dictionary
        Ambrose Bierce

        The Devil's DP Dictionary
        Stan Kelly-Bootle

        The Trenton Pickle Ordinance and other bonehead legislation
        Compiled by Dick Hyman

	Many others added from various sources by Planning Support staff.

================================================================================
FORMAT:  Each quote is separated by a blank line.  Quotes start from the
         <START QUOTE> marker.

<START QUOTE>
"I held onto the near edge of the landing gear and checked my balance and then
hesitated a moment...I am the first man to wet his pants on the moon."
                                          - Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin
                                            Second man on the moon

"How many employees do you have, broken down by sex?"
                                          - Federal government survey
"Liquor is more of a problem with us."
                                          - California aerospace company
                                            personnel director's response

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
                                          - Samuel Goldwyn

"Hit him on the head!"
                                          - Boris Badenov

"I don't have ulcers.  I give 'em!"
                                          - Lyndon B. Johnson

"According to my best recollection, I don't remember."
                                          - Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo

"It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night."
                                          - Willie Sutton, bank robber

"Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."
                                          - Arabian proverb

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living
apart."
                                          - e.e. cummings

"It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it."
                                          - Stephen Wright

"Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball."
                                          - Charles V

"You can't say civilization don't advance...in every war they kill you a new
way."
                                          - Will Rogers

"I have already lost two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
wife's brother."
                                          - Artemus Ward

Adolf Hitler owned about nine thousand acres of land in Colorado.  The spread
was being used as grazing land by local ranchers when it was discovered, in
1942, that Hitler had inherited title to the land from relatives in Germany.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

In World War II, the Office of Strategic Services, forerunner of CIA, diagnosed
Hitler in absentia as a borderline psychotic with severe sexual difficulties.
In order to push him into a full-blown psychosis, they planned to drop thousands
of pornographic pictures on his mountaintop retreat.  The U.S. 8th Air Force,
based in England, successfully argued that the mission was unnecessarily
dangerous and the plan was dropped.
                                          - Roger Freeman
                                            The Mighty Eighth, A History of the
                                            Eighth Air Force in England

                                   DON'T STICK
                                   YOUR ELBOW
                                   OUT SO FAR
                                IT MIGHT GO HOME
                                 IN ANOTHER CAR
                                   BURMA-SHAVE
                                          - Frank Rowsome, Jr.
                                            The Verse by the Side of the Road:
                                            The Story of the Burma-Shave Signs

                                    IF THESE
                                   SIGNS BLUR
                                AND BOUNCE AROUND
                                YOU'D BETTER PARK
                                AND WALK TO TOWN
                                   BURMA-SHAVE
                                          - Frank Rowsome, Jr.
                                            The Verse by the Side of the Road:
                                            The Story of the Burma-Shave Signs

                                  CAR IN DITCH
                                 DRIVER IN TREE
                                  MOON WAS FULL
                                    SO WAS HE
                                   BURMA-SHAVE
                                          - Frank Rowsome, Jr.
                                            The Verse by the Side of the Road:
                                            The Story of the Burma-Shave Signs

                               CARELESS BRIDEGROOM
                                  DAINTY BRIDE
                                SCRATCHY WHISKERS
                                    HOMICIDE
                                   BURMA-SHAVE
                                          - Frank Rowsome, Jr.
                                            The Verse by the Side of the Road:
                                            The Story of the Burma-Shave Signs

"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you just know someone's fingers
have been all over it."
                                          - Julia Child, on nouvelle cuisine

"Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?"
                                          - Marilyn Monroe

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
                                          - G.K. Chesterton

"Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union."
                                          - Joseph Stalin

"I have an existential map.  It has YOU ARE HERE written all over it."
                                          - Steven Wright

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's
nothing else to do."
                                          - Lenny Bruce

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
                                          - Herman Hesse

"Anything that is too stupid to be said is sung."
                                          - Voltaire

"I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to."
                                          - Elvis Presley

"My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked."
                                          - Peter Stack, movie critic

"America is a large, friendly dog in a small room.  Every time it wags its tail
it knocks over a chair."
                                          - Arnold Toynbee

"In America there are two classes of travel -- first and with children."
                                          - Robert Benchley

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of
turning around three times before lying down."
                                          - Robert Benchley

"If you are a police dog, where's your badge?"
                                          - James Thurber to his German shepherd

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."
                                          - Garrison Keillor

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
                                          - Carl G. Jung

"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
                                          - Evan Davis

"The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, `Are you sure
you're not a cop?'"
                                          - Larry Brown

"All the men on my staff can type."
                                          - Bella Abzug

"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places
they do today."
                                          - Will Rogers, 1930s

"Some men are so macho that they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit."
                                          - Maureen Murphy

"It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children."
                                          - Kingsley Amis

"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
                                          - Spanish proverb

"Never raise your hand to your children.  It leaves your midsection
unprotected."
                                          - Robert Orben

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."
                                          - Herbert Hoover

"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
                                          - Mark Twain

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
                                          - Dylan Thomas

"My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago."
                                          - George Gobel

"I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved."
                                          - George Gobel

"Someone left the cork out of my lunch."
                                          - W.C. Fields

"Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange."
                                          - Robin Morgan

"I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out with
twenty-eight years ago."
                                          - Will Rogers

"My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income."
                                          - Errol Flynn

"I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought it was
hell."
                                          - Harry S Truman

"I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
they're being taped."
                                          - Richard M. Nixon

"The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job."
                                          - Ronald Reagan, 1973

"Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he would
have lost."
                                          - Mort Sahl

"Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump."
                                          - Will Durst

"The man with the best job in the country is the Vice-President.  All he has to
do is get up every morning and ask, `How's the President?'"
                                          - Will Rogers

"The Vice-Presidency ain't worth a bucket of warm spit."
                                          - Vice President John N. Garner

"They [the Arabs and the Israelis] should settle this problem in a true
Christian spirit."
                                          - Warren Austin, U.S. delegate to U.N.

"An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country."
                                          - Sir Henry Wotton

"A statesman is a politician who has been dead ten or fifteen years."
                                          - Harry S Truman

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
                                          - Norm Crosby

"Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is like getting kicked out
of the Book-of-the-Month club."
                                          - Melvin Belli, upon being kicked out
                                            of the ABA

"Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made."
                                          - Otto von Bismarck (attributed)

"I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.
The front page has nothing but man's failures."
                                          - Chief Justice Earl Warren

"I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade."
                                          - Bobby Jones, golfer, upon being told
                                            it was 105 degrees in the shade

"If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
                                          - Tallulah Bankhead

"The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons."
                                          - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
                                          - Kenneth Olsen, President
                                            Digital Equipment Corporation

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Nobody has a better opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little
beast."
                                          - W.S. Gilbert

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask any
Indian."
                                          - Robert Orben

"We must believe in luck.  For how else can we explain the success of those we
don't like?"
                                          - Jean Cocteau

"God himself could not sink this ship."
                                          - Titanic deckhand

"I'm an old navy man; the bow is the rear end, isn't it?"
                                          - Richard M. Nixon

"Man will not fly for fifty years."
                                          - Wilbur Wright to Orville, 1901

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
                                          - Will Rogers

"The machine gun is a vastly overrated weapon."
                                          - British Field Marshal Douglas Haig,
                                            1914

"Retirement at age sixty-five is ridiculous.  When I was sixty-five I still had
pimples."
                                          - George Burns

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
                                          - W.C. Fields

"There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead."
                                          - Lord Thomas Robert Dewar

"Democracy is finished in England."
                                          - Joseph P. Kennedy, 1940

"Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability in the
Middle East."
                                          - Jimmy Carter, 1977

"The Army is the Indian's best friend."
                                          - General George A. Custer

"And yet I told your Holiness that I was no painter."
                                          - Michelangelo

"Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers."
                                          - Pablo Picasso

"Peace, n.  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
of fighting."
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"I would have made a good pope."
                                          - Richard M. Nixon

"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one
was useless."
                                          - Nicholas Chamfort, 18th century

"Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's?"
                                          - Freidrich Nietzsche
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
                                          - Leo Tolstoy

"Jesus died too soon.  If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his
doctrine."
                                          - Freidrich Nietzsche
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
                                          - Leo Tolstoy

"Man is more an ape than many of the apes."
                                          - Freidrich Nietzsche
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
                                          - Leo Tolstoy

"Woman was God's second mistake."
                                          - Freidrich Nietzsche
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
                                          - Leo Tolstoy

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."
                                          - Natalie Wood

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
                                          - Will Rogers

"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's."
                                          - Will Rogers

"The cynics are right nine times out of ten."
                                          - H.L. Mencken

"When there are two conflicting versions of a story, the wise course is to
believe the one in which people appear at their worst."
                                          - H. Allen Smith

"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
                                          - Abraham Lincoln

"The price of purity is purists."
                                          - Calvin Trillin

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely
fat.  Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for
public office."
                                          - Covert Bailey

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa.  Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for
several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
                                          - W.C. Fields

"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."
                                          - Mark Twain

"It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands."
                                          - Spanish proverb

"What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared."
                                          - Napoleon Bonaparte (attributed)

"Clark Gable's ears make him look like a taxicab with the doors open."
                                          - Howard Hughes (attributed)

"Diplomacy is the art of saying `Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
                                          - Will Rogers

"Conservative, n.  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs
and cutting hair."
                                          - George Burns

"Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say much."
                                          - Will Rogers

"When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things
were as bad as we'd been saying they were."
                                          - John F. Kennedy

"History will be kind to me as I intend to write it."
                                          - Winston Churchill

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon."
                                          - Tommy Lasorda and others before him

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."
                                          - Abraham Lincoln, in a book review

"The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him."
                                          - Russell Baker

"Providence protects children and idiots.  I know because I have tested it."
                                          - Mark Twain

"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly
strangled."
                                          - Sir Barnett Cocks

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog.  Few people are interested and the
frog dies of it."
                                          - E.B. White

"A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."
                                          - Carl Reiner

"It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint, aided by the natural decay
of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person
by the British public."
                                          - George Bernard Shaw

"What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries?
Mere killing would be too light."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
                                          - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are
wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar."
                                          - Edward R. Murrow

"It is fun being in the same decade with you."
                                          - Franklin D. Roosevelt in a letter to
                                            Winston Churchill, 1942

"ALL IS DISCOVERED.  FLY AT ONCE."
                                          - Telegram sent by Sir Arthur Conan
                                            Doyle to twelve prominent men.
                                            According to Doyle, they all left
                                            the country within 24 hours.

"WHY UNNEWS?"
"UNNEWS GOOD NEWS."
"UNNEWS UNJOB."
                                          - Exchange of telegrams between
                                            newspaper editor and reporter
                                            ["un" -- meaning "no" -- was used
                                            to save the cost of one word]

"GRAVE POSSIBILITY WAR WITHIN FEW WEEKS OR DAYS IF THIS HAPPENS POSTPONEMENT
REVUE INEVITABLE AND ANNIHILATION OF US ALL PROBABLE."
                                          - Noel Coward, in a telegram to his
                                            business manager, 1939

WILLIAM FORREST
CAPETOWN
SENT $400.  PLEASE ACCOUNT.
                                          ACCOUNTS DEPT.
                                          NEWS CHRONICLE
NEWS CHRONICLE
ACCOUNTS DEPT.
RECEIVED $400.  SPENT $400.  REGARDS.
                                          FORREST

"HOW OLD CARY GRANT?"                     - Cable from magazine editor to agent
"OLD CARY GRANT JUST FINE."               - Agent's response

"STREETS FULL OF WATER.  PLEASE ADVISE."
                                          - Cable from H.L. Mencken to The New
                                            Yorker upon arrival in Venice

"POST SURROUNDED BY LIONS AND TIGERS."    - Cable from District Officer to Cairo
"THERE ARE NO TIGERS IN AFRICA."          - Cairo to District Officer
"DELETE TIGERS."                          - District Officer to Cairo

         Teachers'
         Head Goes
         Off to Jail
                                     - Headline, Sarasota Herald-Tribune

         Missionary risked dysentery and bigamy
         in eight day trip to Nigerian villages
                                     - Headline, The (Gainesville) Times

          Two Hold Up
         Dunkin' Donuts,
         Flea With $176
                                     - Headline, New Haven Register

         Seven Road Deaths
         in Vermont, But
         Good Times Abound
         Everywhere
                                     - Headline, Rutland (VT) Herald

         Home where 7 died in fire called `unsafe'
                                     - Headline, The Boston Globe

         Nuclear Artillery Shell
          Dropped From Budget
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Aquino Board Ejects
          Communist Leader
          From Witness Stand
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         U's food service
         feeds thousands,
         grosses millions
                                     - Headline, The Minnesota Daily

         Bomb tossed in Rome
         -------------------
          Blast shatters ITT
          office in New York
                                     - Headline, The (Dallas) Times-Herald

         Pair Charged
         With Battery
                                     - Headline, The Denver Post

         DA Says Non-Profit Groups
         May Operate Illegal Games
                                     - Headline, Albequerque Journal

         Pope Launches
         Talks to End
         Long Division
                                     - Pomono Progress Bulletin

         Businessmen leaping into space
                                     - Headline, The Boston Globe

         Doctor testifies in horse suit
                                     - Headline, Waterbury (CT) Republican

         Pope Raps Reagan
          On Nuclear Arms
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         NIXON TO SEEK
          LUNCH MONEY
                                     - Headline, New Orleans Times-Picayune

         Mrs. Collins
         Burned at Dump
                                     - Headline, Wiscasset (Maine) Newspaper

         CIA Reportedly Sought to Destroy Domestic Flies
                                     - Headline, San Francisco Chronicle
                                       1/10/75

         Hirohito Dead, Joins Hitler in Hell
                                     - Headline, Everett, Massachusetts,
                                       Leader Herald-News Gazette, 1989

         Planes must clear mountains first
         Crash prompts change in rules
                                     - Headline, Rocky Mountain News
                                       2/6/75

         Beating Witness
         Provides Names
                                     - Headline, Quad-City Times
                                       (Davenport, IA) 8/2/78

         WAR DIMS HOPES FOR PEACE
                                     - Headline, Wisconsin State Journal
                                       12/27/65

         Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder
                                     - Headline, Detroit Free Press
                                       11/12/74

         Complaints about NBA referees growing ugly
                                     - Headline, Chicago Sun-Times
                                       5/23/79

         Stud tires out
                                     - Headline, Ridgewood (NJ) News
                                       3/30/78

         Lawmen from Mexico
         Barbecue Guests
                                     - Headline, San Benito (Tex.) News
                                       9/17/75

         Kid's pajamas
         to be removed
         by Woolworth
                                     - Headline, Greenwich Time
                                       5/18/77

         LBJ Giving Bull
         To Mexican People
                                     - Headline, Cincinnati Enquirer
                                       4/16/68

         Statistics on women
          Some good and some bad
                                     - Headline, Women in Communications
                                       2/76

         Difference between day and night
         found on tour of Torrington schools
                                     - Headline, Torrington (CT) Register
                                       5/19/77

         People should
         evacuate
         when gas odor
         present
                                     - Headline, The (Ottowa) Citizen
                                       3/26/75

         Lucky Man Sees Pals Die
                                     - Headline, The News-American (Balt.)
                                       4/4/78

         Child teaching
         expert to speak
                                     - Headline, Birmingham Post-Herald
                                       3/28/77

         Man Robs,
         Then Kills
         Himself
                                     - Headline, The Washington Post
                                       12/19/75

         About Jim Fiebig
         For readers who have been wondering
         about the Jim Feibig column, he has
         stopped writing it.-Ed.
                                     - The Indianapolis Star
                                       7/25/78

         New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
                                     - Headline, Daily Press (Newport News)
                                       5/1/78

         Nixon To Stand Pat On Watergate Tapes
                                     - Headline, Indianapolis Star
                                       5/8/74

         Albany Turns
         To Garbage
                                     - Headline, New York Daily News
                                       10/3/77

         Former man dies in California
                                     - Headline, Fremont County Chronicle
                                       News, 2/13/75

         Mauling By Bear Leaves
         Woman Grateful for Life
                                     - Headline, The Herald Dispatch
                                       (Huntington, WV) 9/8/77

         Lie Detector Tests Unreliable, Unconstitutional Hearing Told
                                     - Headline, The Hartford Courant
                                       11/16/77

         SCSC Graduates Blind Senior Citizen
                                     - Headline, Journal Inquirer
                                       (Manchester, CT) 5/24/76

         Marion freed after 81-day ordeal
                                     - Headline, Ottowa Journal, 10/28/77
         82-day ordeal over
                                     - The (Ottowa) Citizen, 10/28/77
         After 83 days, Marion safe
                                     - Ottowa Today, 10/28/77

         Free Postage for Slaying Flyers
                                     - Headline, The Daily Tribune
                                       (Royal Oak, MI) 6/14/78

         Crisis Held Over at Nuclear Plant
                                     - Headline, Worcester (MA) Telegram
                                       4/10/79

         FTC Dogs Used Cars
                                     - Headline, Seattle Post-Intelligencer
                                       4/25/77

         Lot of Women Distressing
                                     - Headline, Spokane Daily Chronicle
                                       7/4/75

         Carter plans
         swell deficit
                                     - Headline, The Tribune (Houston)
                                       3/17/77

         Firebombing Jury Takes Weekend Off
                                     - Headline, The Hartford Courant
                                       1/31/76

         Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen
                                     - Headline, The Atlanta Journal
                                       4/4/79

         Farmer
         Bill Dies
         In House
                                     - Headline, The Atlanta Constitution
                                       4/13/78

         DNR Hunt Survey
         to Question Dogs
                                     - Headline, The Milwaukee Journal
                                       2/18/77

            By then, she  will have shed 80 of the
         240  pounds  she  weighed  in  with  when
         she  entered  Peter  Bent Brigham  hospi-
         tal obesity program.  A third of her left
         behind!
                                     - The Boston Herald American
                                       7/7/77

         Bond issue is readied
         for city incinerator
                                     - Headline, The Berkshire Eagle
                                       (Pittsfield, MA) 10/21/78

         Kissinger allegedly
         forges Mideast pact
                                     - Headline, The Houston Post
                                       8/25/75

         Dead Expected To Rise
                                     - Headline, The Macon (GA) News
                                       8/11/76

         Robber Holds Up
         Albert's Hosiery
                                     - Headline, Buffalo Evening News
                                       9/19/75

         Caribbean islands drift to left
                                     - Headline, The (Cleveland) Plain
                                       Dealer 7/26/76

         Ford, Reagan Neck in
         Presidential Primary
                                     - Headline, Ethiopian Herald
                                       2/24/76

         Village burning said illegal
                                     - Headline, The Lincoln (NE) Star
                                       8/25/78

         Juvenile court to try
         shooting defendant
                                     - Headline, Deseret News (Salt Lake
                                       City, UT) 10/24/75

         Bankrupt association
         termed in poor shape
                                     - Headline, Lawrence (KS) Journal-
                                       World 7/12/77

         Computer center turns on students
                                     - Headline, The Daily Transcript
                                       (Dedham, MA) 1/10/75

         PET-DOG, 3, BITES ITS
         MASTER, 35, TO DEATH
                                     - Headline, Daily Times (Lagos,
                                       Nigeria) 8/1/73

         Police
         Can't Stop
         Gambling
                                     - Headline, Detroit Free Press
                                       7/1/75

         7:30 P.M. Ch. 5--PM MAGAZINE. Featured:
         Restaurants that will, for a small fee,
         bring you breakfast in bed and Lou Fer-
         rigno, the Incredible Hulk.
                                     - The Atlanta Journal and Constitution
                                       2/17/79

         Deer Kill 130,000
                                     - Headline, The Minneapolis Tribune
                                       12/7/67

         Shut-Ins Can Grow
         Indoors With Lights
                                     - Headline, The Miami Herald
                                       7/21/78

         Town OKs
         Animal Rule
                                     - Headline, The Asheville (SC) Citizen
                                       3/2/77

         School Board Agrees
         to Discuss Education
                                     - Headline, Philidelphia Evening
                                       Bulletin 10/8/74

         14 Are Indicted
         On Obscure-Film Charge
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       2/7/77

         Silent Teamster gets cruel punishment: Lawyer
                                     - Headline, The Home News (Brunswick,
                                       NJ) 12/15/75

         New Book Out By
         Former Writer
                                     - Headline, The Main Line Times
                                       (Ardmore, PA) 5/20/76

         Drunk gets
         nine months
         in violin case
                                     - Headline, The Lethbridge Herald
                                       10/30/76

         SUSPECT HELD IN KILLING
          OF REPORTER FOR VARIETY
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       9/24/77

         Woman better after being thrown from high-rise
                                     - Headline, Chicago Daily News
                                       9/27/76

         Teller Stuns Man
         With Stolen Check
                                     - Headline, The (Philadelphia) Evening
                                       Bulletin 11/18/75

         by lack of gravity
         Skylab crew disoriented
                                     - Headline, Chicago Sun-Times
                                       11/21/73

         Less Mishaps
         Than Expected
         Mar Holiday
                                     - Headline, The Missoulian
                                       12/28/76

         4 Indicted
         Into Military
         Hall of Honor
                                     - Headline, Alabama Journal
                                       4/23/76

          Wives Kill
         Most Spouses
          In Chicago
                                     - Headline, Florida Times-Union
                                       9/8/77

         Police union to seek blinding arbitration
                                     - Headline, The (Groton, CT) News
                                       2/2/78

             The President said  the material  he was making
         available should end, once and for all, speculation
         about his role in Watergate. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
                                     - The Standard-Times (New Bedford,
                                       MA) 4/30/74

         Carl Viking Holman,
         perennial loser, dies
                                     - Headline, Wenatchee (Wash.) World
                                       5/27/77

         Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
                                     - Headline, Daily Sun/Post (San
                                       Clemente, CA) 1/17/77

         For president or other leader
           FBI has plans to handle
           any future assassination
                                     - Headline, the Wenatchee (Wash.)
                                       World 11/11/78

         THANKS TO PRESIDENT NIXON,
         STAFF SGT. FRYER NOW HAS A SON
                                     - Headline, First Monday (Republican
                                       National Committee) 5/1/72

         Owners of all dogs in the city of
         Metropolis are required to be on a
         chain or in a fenced in area.
                                     - Metropolis (IL) Planet
                                       9/20/73

         Bar trying
         to help
         alcoholic
         lawyers
                                     - Headline, The Seattle Times
                                       3/11/77

         Scientists are at loss due
         to brain-eating amoeba
                                     - Headline, The Arizona Republic
                                       10/5/78

         Indian Ocean talks
                                     - Headline, The (Cleveland) Plain
                                       Dealer 10/5/77

         Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
                                     - Headline, Seattle Post-Intelligencer
                                       8/3/79

         Corcoran to nuke subcommittee
                                     - Headline, The (Ottowa) Daily Times
                                       2/7/79

         OVERSEAS USE MUSHROOMS
         U.S. Pill Use Is Decreasing
                                     - Headline, The Indianapolis Star
                                       1/23/79

         Police Kill Man With Ax
                                     - Headline, The Charlotte Observer
                                       11/27/76

         Solar system expected
         to be back in operation
                                     - Headline, Libertyville (IL) Herald
                                       3/15/78

         Paratroopers look for Droppings in N.W.T.
                                     - Headline, Yellowknife (N.W.T., Canada)
                                       News of the North 3/26/70

         Rosemary Hall
         Gets New Head
                                     - Headline, The Hatrford Courant
                                       6/6/75

         Connie Tied, Nude
         Policeman Testifies
                                     - Headline, Atlanta Journal
                                       6/17/76

         Shouting Match Ends Teacher's Hearing
                                     - Headline, Newsday
                                       7/31/77

         Branch Avenue Bridge
         To Be Fixed Before Fall
                                     - Headline, Providence Evening
                                       Bulletin 8/8/74

         Squad helps dog
         bite victim
                                     - Headline, Grant County (WI) Herald
                                       Independent 4/29/76

         Defective show
         unofficially starts
         new TV season
                                     - Headline, Toronto Star
                                       8/24/79

         Iran executes 7 more,
         cancels scholarships
                                     - Headline, Chicago Tribune
                                       7/27/79

         Nicaragua sets goal
         to wipe out literacy
                                     - Headline, The Boston Globe
                                       10/1/79

         Accused
         pair of
         wire
         cutters
         arraigned
                                     - Headline, Yakima (WA) Herald
                                       Republic 11/19/79

         G.A.O. STUDY ASSERTS
          THAT OIL COMPANIES
          WORSENED SHORTAGE
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       9/14/79
         GAO Says Oil Firms
         Aren't to Be Blamed
         For Recent Shortage
                                     - Headline, The Wall Street Journal
                                       9/14/79

         Power Outrage Hits
                                     - Headline, Silver City (NM) Daily
                                       Press 12/22/79

         All Utah Condemned
         To Face Firing Squad
                                     - Headline, The Washington Post
                                       3/9/80

         Doe Season Start Called Success;
         Four Hunters Stricken in Woods
                                     - Headline, Williamsport (PA) Sun-
                                       Gazette 12/11/79

         0- 9 20 AM EST DEC 6-79
         SHAH WANTS TO LEASE U.S.
         BUT HAS NO IMMEDIATE PLAN-
                                     - Dow Jones newswire, 12/6/79

         Literarcy week observed
                                     - Headline, Brandenberg, KY Messenger
                                       9/4/85

         Never Withhold
         Herpes Infection
         From Loved One
                                     - Headline, Albequerque Journal
                                       12/26/84

         All-Stars turn on sparse crowd
                                     - Headline, The Southfield Eccentric
                                       (Birmingham, MI) 8/11/83

         Dartmouth Names
         Computer Vice Provost
                                     - Headline, Valley News (White River
                                       Jct., VT) 3/10/86

         More of us will live to be centurions
                                     - Headline, The Times Reporter
                                       (Dover-New Phil., OH) 2/11/87

         Reader is upset over dog eating Filipinos
                                     - Headline, The Wayne County Outlook
                                       (Monticello, KY) 2/25/82

         Hunter Dies;
         Deer Count
         Holds Steady
                                     - Headline, Daily News-Record
                                       (Harrisonburg, VA) 11/18/82

         Man Is Seized in Burglaries
           By Use of a Pool Skimmer
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       8/25/85

         Correction
             The  band  Raging  Saint  base
         their  music on  born-again Chris-
         tian principles. They are not "un-
         repentant headbangers," as report-
         ed in the Night  life  column last
         Friday.
                                     - Austin American-Statesman
                                       3/10/87

         Police brutality postponed
                                     - Headline, The Mishawaka (IN)
                                       Enterprise 10/1/81

         3 U.S. firms bomb
         targets in Spain
                                     - Headline, Chicago Sun-Times
                                       1/6/86

         Reagan goes
         for juggler
         in Midwest
                                     - Headline, The Charleston (WV)
                                       Gazette 11/3/84

         Morality rates lower
         than normal at Mobil
                                     - Gloucester County Times (Woodbury, NJ)
                                       6/10/85

                 Police said they  had to bring him to the
         ground twice before  they confiscated  the pistol
         from a pants leg.
                 "I would describe it as hairy," said Sgt.
         Lou Daliso who,  with Officer Tom Green, wrestled
         the suspect.
                                     - The Reporter Dispatch (White Plains,
                                       NY) 3/15/81

         Defendant's speech ends in long sentence
                                     - Headline, Minneapolis Tribune
                                       2/25/81

         Mondale's offensive looks hard to beat
                                     - Headline, Anchorage Times
                                       12/23/83

         Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
                                     - Headline, The Burlington (VT) Free
                                       Press 9/18/80

         British left
         waffles on
         Falklands
                                     - Headline, The Guardian
                                       4/28/82

         Silver Objects Often Taken --
           Police Units Seek Pattern
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       2/16/86

         How to combat that feeling of
         helplessness with illegal drugs
                                     - Headline, The (Bermuda) Royal
                                       Gazette 5/9/85

         Belfast man
         charged for
         Harrods bomb
                                     - Headline, Chicago Tribune
                                       3/23/84

         Fried chicken cooked
         in microwave wins trip
                                     - Headline, The (Portland) Oregonian
                                       7/8/81

         Air Force considers dropping some new weapons
                                     - Headline, New Orleans Times-Picayune
                                       5/22/83

         U.S. banks wrestle with Argentine deb
                                     - Headline, Duluth News-Tribune &
                                       Herald 3/29/84

         Health officials warn some meningitis non-fatal
                                     - Headline, Port Arthur (TX) News
                                       7/3/83

         Prison warden says inmates may have 3 guns
                                     - Headline, The Idaho Statesman
                                       1/11/85

         Sharks Stop Search for Span Collapse Victims
                                     - Headline, Seattle Post-Intelligencer
                                       5/11/80

         19 Feet
         Broken in
         Pole Vault
                                     - Headline, Wichita (KS) Eagle-Beacon
                                       6/21/81

         Johnson
         Teacher Talks
         Very Slow
                                     - Headline, Indianapolis News
                                       8/9/82

         Henshaw Offers
         Rare Opportunity
         To Goose Hunters
                                     - Headline, San Diego Union
                                       12/25/80

         Would she climb to top of Mr. Everest again? Absolutely!
                                     - Headline, Houston Chronicle
                                       12/8/80

         Gates asks
         Reagan to
         recall name
                                     - Headline, Daily Iowan
                                       3/3/87

         Sandinistan defends regime in Sioux Falls
                                     - Headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch
                                       3/16/84

         Babies are what the mother eats
                                     - Headline, The Times-Herald (Newport
                                       News, VA) 7/11/84

         Man shot in back,
         head found in street
                                     - Headline, Worthington, MN Daily
                                       Globe 12/8/84

         Westinghouse Gives
         Robot Rights to Firm
                                     - Headline, The Washington Post
                                       6/12/87

         Flier to duplicate Miss Earhart's fatal flight
                                     - Headline, The New Jersey Herald
                                       1/9/84

         Garden Grove resident
         naive, foolish judge says
                                     - Headline, Orange County (CA) Register
                                       7/2/85

         Crowds Rushing To See
         Pope Trample 6 To Death
                                     - Headline, Journal Star (Peoria, IL)
                                       7/9/80

         Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
                                     - Headline, Milford (CT) Citizen
                                       7/12/82

         Give the Palestinians
         a homeland -- Ottowa
                                     - Headline, Toronto Star
                                       7/31/82

         Threatened by gun,
         employees testify
                                     - Headline, The Messenger (Athens, OH)
                                       6/19/84

         Dishonesty
         policy voted
         in by Senate
                                     - Headline, Ball State Daily News
                                       2/8/85

         `Mild' fertility drug produces quadruplets in 3 minutes
                                     - Headline, The (Santa Fe) New Mexican
                                       6/14/81

         Religion Plays Major Part
         In the Message of Easter
                                     - Headline, Omaha World Herald
                                       4/22/84

         Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores
                                     - Headline, Reading (PA) Eagle
                                       5/23/82

         Obscenity Should
         Include Violence
                                     - Headline, The Asheville (NC) Times
                                       3/21/84

         Youths
         steal funds
         for charity
                                     - Headline, The Reporter Dispatch
                                       (White Plains, NY) 2/17/82

         Baseball
         Talks in
         9th Inning
                                     - Headline, Philadelphia Daily News
                                       5/22/80

         Sisters reunited after 18 years
         in checkout line at supermarket
                                     - Headline, Arkansas Democrat
                                       9/29/83

         Exploding Commode Floods Poland
         -
           A toilet pipe that blew up "like a
         fire hydrant"  shot ankle-deep water
         across the  seventh  floor of Poland
         Hall at about 9 last night.
                                     - College Heights Herald (Bowling
                                       Green, KY) 10/8/85

         Eye drops off shelves
                                     - Headline, Tri-City Herald (Pasco,
                                       WA) 8/5/82

         TV Trashy, Right Wing
         Mediocre, Says Sociologist
                                     - Headline, Berkeleyan (U. of CA)
                                       3/27/85

             Perhaps the cruelest tragedy
         in the death  yesterday of James
         E. Dever is that had it happened
         a few  minutes  later,  he might
         still be alive.
                                     - Daily Local News (Chester County,
                                       PA) 1/9/85

         Watt says environmentalists like Nazis
                                     - Headline, The Oregonian
                                       1/21/83

         SHUTTLE PASSES TEST;
          A WORKER IS KILLED
                                     - Headline, The New York Times
                                       3/20/81

         Sharon to press his suit in Israel
                                     - Headline, East Oregonian
                                       1/25/85

         Dismemberment killer convicted
         "Thank God the jury could put the pieces
         together." -- Solicitor Jim Andrews
                                     - Headline, Brockton, MA Enterprise
                                       8/9/85

         Buildings sway from San Francisco to L.A.
                                     - Headline, The Cleveland Press
                                       5/27/80

         Cause of AIDS
         found--scientists
                                     - Headline, The Sacramento Union
                                       4/24/84

         Prince Andrew takes Koo peasant hunting in Scotland
                                     - Headline, The Atlanta Journal and
                                       Constitution 11/28/82

         Potential witness
         to murder drunk
                                     - Headline, Adirondack Daily
                                       Enterprise 1/17/85

         More Dogs Bring Complaints
                                     - Headline, Martinsburg, WV Evening
                                       Journal 10/17/84

         Research fans hope
         for spinal injuries
                                     - Headline, The Vancouver Sun
                                       7/23/86

         Kontakis is found guilty
         of murdering wife
         after brief deliberation
                                     - Headline, Somerset (NJ) Spectator
                                       10/17/85

         French offer terrorist reward
                                     - Headline, The Denver Post
                                       11/20/86

         Nation's Economy A Mystery, Spaghetti Costlier
                                     - Headline, Winchester (IN) News-
                                       Gazette 6/21/85

         Man minus ear waives hearing
                                     - Headline, Jackson (TN) Sun
                                       5/26/85

         There is something more boring
         than baseball...Ellen Goodman's
         column, Page A-11
                                     - Roanoke (VA) Times & World-News
                                       7/23/81

         Police kill
         man with
         TV tuner
                                     - Headline, The Blade-Tribune
                                       (Oceanside, CA) 6/3/86

         Excess of vitamins
         harmful, expensive
         specialist warns
                                     - Headline, London Free Press
                                       (Ontario, Canada) 6/22/80

         Half of U.S. High
         Schools Require Some
         Study for Graduation
                                     - Headline, Los Angeles Times
                                       8/10/81

         `Nagging' wife critical
         after hammer attack
                                     - Headline, Trenton (NJ) Times
                                       9/2/82

         Police Discover
         Crack in Australia
                                     - Headline, International Herald
                                       Tribune 9/10/86

         Canadian economist feels
         rates have hit there peak
                                     - Headline, The Calgary (Alberta)
                                       Herald 4/14/80 (first edition)
         Canadian economist feels
         rates have hit thier peak
                                     - Headline, The Calgary (Alberta)
                                       Herald 4/14/80 (second edition)

         Workers Accused of Selling Stamps To Be Burned
                                     - Headline, High Point (NC) Enterprise
                                       2/4/83

         Dr. Ruth Talks About Sex
         With Newspaper Editors
                                     - Headline, Rutland (VT) Herald
                                       4/14/86

         Italian gunmen
         shoot typsetter
         by mistake
                                     - Headline, The Philadelphia Inquirer
                                       9/3/80

         Residents were shocked each time their neighbors went on a murder spree
                                     - Headline, San Francisco Chronicle
                                       12/15/82

         State speeding up welfare cheat checks
                                     - Headline, Knickerbocker News
                                       (Albany, NY) 1/14/82

         Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award
                                     - Headline, The Buffalo News
                                       4/6/83

         Train Rolls 0 Miles
          With No One Aboard
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         FIRE OFFICIALS GRILLED
         OVER KEROSENE HEATERS
                                     - Headline, News Journal (Wilmington,
                                       DE)

         Steals Clock,
         Faces Time
                                     - Headline, New York Journal-American

         GRILL SUSPECT
         OVER BIG BLAZE
                                     - Headline, Spokane Chronicle

         Trial Testimony Ends
         In Slaying of Judge
                                     - Headline, New York Times

         Do-it-yourself pregnancy kit to go on sale
                                     - Headline, The Detroit News

         Knowledge
         Is Not Obscene,
         Top Court Rules
                                     - Headline, Tallahassee Democrat

         Manchester
         Man Bursts,
         Halts Traffic
                                     - Headline, Hartford Times

         Skeleton Tied
         To Missing
         Diplomat
                                     - Headline, Philadelphia Evening
                                       Bulletin

         Three Clinics Assure Poor
         Services Will Be Provided
                                     - Headline, Washington Post

         STORM CHERBOURG, CITY ABLAZE
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/3/44
         YANKS HIT CHERBOURG IN FLAMING FINALE
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/4/44
         YANKS STORM CHERBOURG FROM THREE SIDES
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/5/44
         YANK BAYONETS SLASH PATH INTO CHERBOURG
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/6/44
         YANKS STORM CHERBOURG'S LAST HEIGHTS
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/7/44
         CHERBOURG IS OURS
                                     - New York Daily News, 7/8/44

         Poet doesn't want audience of illerates
                                     - Headline, Raleigh Times

         Four More Newspapers Switch to Offset;
         Conversion Is Not Always Soomth
                                     - Headline, Kansas Publisher

         Math Improvement Indicates
         Learning Is Tied To Teaching
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Senate Passes
         Death Penalty
         -------------
         MEASURE PROVIDES FOR
         ELECTROCUTION FOR
         ALL PERSONS OVER 17
                                     - Headline, Lansing State Journal

         TWO CONVICTS EVADE
          NOOSE; JURY HUNG
                                     - Headline, Oakland Tribune

         Scent Foul Play in Death of
         Man Found Bound and Hanged
                                     - Headline, Toledo Times

         Hospitals
         Are Sued
         By 7 Foot
         Doctors
                                     - Headline, Providence Journal

         Israel's invasion
         starts talk of war
                                     - Headline, Portland (Maine) Press
                                       Herald

         12 Killed
         By the AP
                                     - Headline, Syracuse Herald American

         Man shot while hunting
         remains in hospital
                                     - Headline, Woodbridge (NJ) News
                                       Tribune

         7 die as foods hit northeast U.S.
                                     - Headline, Rocky Mountain News

         20 Pound Killer Monk
         Destroyed by ASPCA
                                     - Headline, Morristown (NJ) Daily
                                       Record

         Hollander appointed
         to goose committee
                                     - Headline, Fond du Lac Reporter

         ANTIBUSING RIDER
           KILLED BY SENATE
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Six Sentenced to Life in Clarksville
                                     - Headline, Nashville Banner

         Gorillas vow to
         kill Khomeini
                                     - Headline, Valley Independent
                                       (Monessen, PA)

         Ease the pain
         Senate passes gas bill
                                     - Headline, The (Nacogdoches, TX)
                                       Daily Sentinel

         Man shot to death
         in Cavalier Manor
                                     - Headline, Virginian-Pilot

         MAN BOOKED FOR
         WRECKLESS DRIVING
                                     - Headline, Baton Rouge State Times

         Capital Punishment Bill
         Called `Death Oriented'
                                     - Headline, Los Angeles Daily Journal

         HEADLESS BLONDE
         FOUND IN THAMES
                                     - Headline, Chicago Tribune

         WINSTED STOVE BUSINESS
         DAMAGED BY STOVE FIRE
                                     - Headline, The Hartford Courant

         Shot Off Woman's Leg
         Helps Nicklaus To 66
                                     - Headline, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

         Deadline Passes
         For Striking Police
                                     - Headline, Indianapolis News

         Oil, Gas Shortages
         Keys to Energy Crisis
                                     - Headline, Lebanon (NH) Valley News

         ENGINEERS TO HEAR
          DIESEL TALK
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Despite Some Looting, Westchester Weathered Looting Well
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         New Bar Exam
         to Include Test
         of Legal Skills
                                     - Headline, Los Angeles Times

         MICROCOMPUTER
          PIRACY FINE
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Cabbies cash in on Polish yen for $$
                                     - Headline, The Washington Times

         MEN, WOMEN: We're still different
                                     - Headline, USA Today

         Smoking Chief Cause
         of Fire Deaths Here
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Surgery in Heavy Seas
         Follows Dash by Cutter
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         2 Teen-Agers Indicted
          For Drowning in Lake
                                     - Headline, The New York Times

         Sewer input sought
                                     - Headline, The Flathead Courier
                                       (Polson, MT)

         SANTA MONICA, Calif (AP) -- Actress Raquel Welch, 31, was
         granted interlocutory divorce decree Thursday from her gusband
         of nearly four years, film producer Patrick Curtis.
           She burst into tears while testifying of her "irreconcila
                             d           ii            np iiffern
         bust bust bust
                                     - Associated Press newswire

            JONES WAS ARRESTED ON THE ROOFTOP OF THE HOLIDAY
         INN MOTEL IN DOWNTOWN PORTLAND MONDAY AFTER A SNIPER
         FIRED DOZENS OF SHOTS INTO THE STREETS BELOW.  ONE
         POLICEMAN WAS HIT IN THE CHEST BUT SAVED BY HIS
         BULLET-RESISTANT CHEST.
                                     - United Press International newswire

            A  completely  automated
         typesetting  system,  deve-
         loped  and put  into opera-
         tion nwtih the  cooperation
         of the typographical union,
         w asdemonstra  eteydsterday
         b  yThe   Composing   Room,
         Inc., a printing company at
         387 Park Avenue.
                                     - The New York Times

            With the exception of victimless
         crimes  (which need not  concern us
         here), every single crime committed
         in  this nation of  ours involves a
         victim.
                                     - San Francisco Chronicle

           A BAILIFF HEARD A TICKING NOISE WHILE AN INDIANA PATHOLOGIST,
         DR. JOHN PLESS, WAS TESTIFYING.  THE COURTROOM WAS CLEARED AND
         THE CLICKING WAS TRACED TO A NOISY DUCK UNDER THE JUDGE'S BENCH.
                                     - Associated Press Indiana State
                                       Radio Wire

         NIGHT LEAD
           ATLANTIC CITY (UPI) -- A KNIGHT NEWSPAPERS, INC. EXECUTIVE SAID
         MONDAY NOTHING CONTRIBUTES TO LOSS OF READER FAITH SO MUCH AS COMMON,
         OFTEN MECHANICAL ERRORS.
         -
           1ST LEAD 292B AND CORRECT
           ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (UPI) -- THE PRESIDENT OF THE GANNETT NEWSPAPER
         CHAIN SAID MONDAY NOTHING CONTRIBUTES TO LOSS OF READER FAITH SO MUCH
         AS COMMON, OFTEN MECHANICAL ERRORS.
                                     - United Press International newswire

          Hoge sees himself as one of a
         vanishing breed.
          "There really aren't but five
         bear hunters I can think of in
         the whole of Bland County," he
         says sadly as he fills his gun
         with chewing tobacco.
                                     - Charlottesville (VA) Daily Progress

            WHAT'S DOING
            ------------
               Monday
         Nothing scheduled.
               Radio
         Nothing scheduled.
                TV
         Nothing scheduled.
                                     - Pasadena Star-News

         Cambodia has launched a crash
         program to train more pilots.
                                     - Newsweek

          Passengers in several lifeboats
         sank to pass the time.
                                     - Boston Globe

           After a routine FAA inspection,
         Munz  airlines   has  temporarily
         grounded their fleet. Apparently,
         service has not been affected.
                                     - Fairbanks Tundra Times

              WASHINTON  (AP)  -- Former
         Mice President  Spiro T.  Egnew
         drew  applause when  he arrived
         at a  local sports  arena for a
         concert by singer Frank Sinatra.
                                     - Richmond (VA) News-Leader

         TV LISTINGS:
         7:00 PM  (4) Policital:  Daniel J. Evans
         for Governor.  Paid policital broadcast.
         (Local preemption of To Tell The Truth.)
                                     - Seattle Times

           KILL 11-1
           BULLETIN KILL
         EDITORS:
         KILL FLYNN NEW YORK 299A.  FLYNN IS NOT DEAD.
         UPI NEW YORK
           UPI 11-01  09:14  PES
                                     - United Press International newswire

         RHODE ISLAND SENATOR JOHN PASTORE SAYS THE NAVY HAS ALMOST
         COMPLETELY WIPED OUT MASSACHUSETTS AND RHODE ISLAND.
                                     - Associated Press New England Radio
                                       newswire

           MIAMI, Fla.-Albert Cox, embezzler,
         endorsed checks  for $90,299.77 last
         year.  For nine months he played the
         daily  double,  sipped dry martinis,
         dallied with  expensive prostitutes,
         flew first  class city to city,  and
         spent the rest foolishly.
                                     - Boston Evening Globe

            Einstein said, "A clock in motion keeps
         time more slowly than one that is moving."
                                     - San Francisco Chronicle

           Then, just for kicks, John
         Kazian  walks along  the top
         wing at  speeds  approaching
         200 miles per hour.
                                     - Milwaukee Sentinel

             Police Officer Bill Avery
         relied on intuitive judgement
         when  he exposed  himself  to
         an  armed  suspect  who   had
         abducted  two  children.  The
         gamble paid  off when the man
         surrendered.
                                     - Arlington Citizen Journal

           A hand grenade was discovered and later
         successfully detonated at McDonald's Res-
         taurant late Friday night.
           The device, according to Kinston police
         reports, turned out to be a dud.
                                     - Kinston (NC) Daily Free Press

          Baron, 51, a former Illinois resident,
         was accused of  wire and mail fraud and
         of understanding  his gross income on a
         1974 federal income tax return.
                                     - The Washington Post

            The  macadamia  was named for Dr. John
         MacAdam,  an  enthusiastic  scientist who
         promoted the nut in its native Australia,
         and  was  dubbed  "the  perfect  nut"  by
         Luther Burbank.
                                     - The Los Angeles Herald Examiner

         HOROSCOPE:
             Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - You
         do  well to shape erry wilder 10-1
         P2  your  course  around  existing
         materials; otherwise, frustrations
         result.
                                     - Grand Rapids (MI) Express

           "The reason nothing has  been
         done is because no one has made
         any effort to do anything about
         it,"  said  one  transportation
         official.
                                     - The Washington Post

           Deaf viewers with the signal
         decoding  device will  see the
         picture  with the captions; to
         others  the  TV  picture  will
         appear exactly as it does not.
                                     - The Boston Globe

           Mussels give up a good deal of their own
         liquor as they cook and this is one of the
         finest  broths  known to any cook.   Or to
         anyone who dies on them.
                                     - The Sunday Cape Cod Times

            Meanwhile,  the Commerce
         Department's report on dur-
         able  goods was  seen as an
         encouraging  sign  that the
         economy may finally be end-
         ing.
                                     - Post-Register (Idaho Falls)

           Our paper carried the notice last week
         that  Mr. Herman Ogle  is a defective in
         the police force.  This was a typograph-
         ical error.    Mr. Ogle is, of course, a
         detective in the police farce.
                                     - Ootlewah (TN) Times

           The book is nicely printed and contains
         few typographical errors;  however, it is
         strange that the proo readers should rave
         permitted  "Lay on MacDuff"  to come  out
         "Law on MacDuff."
                                     - Fairmont West Virginian

           Q - I was recently given a bottle
         of walnut oil.  I have no notion of
         what to  do with it.   Can you tell
         me?
           A - A  few drops  applied  with a
         soft,  lint-free  cloth every three
         months  will,  in all but  the most
         stubborn cases, effectively prevent
         your walnuts from squeaking.
                                     - The New York Times

            Donald Eunson, the Bedford police
         chief, added: "Maybe now we can dis-
         pense with justice in a more orderly
         manner."
                                     - Concord Journal

           AUGUSTA, MAINE (UPI) -- THE PRESIDENT OF BANGOR'S STUDENT TEACHER
         ASSOCIATION HAS TOLD THE LEGISLATIVE EDUCATION COMMITTEE A
         QUESTIONNAIRE DISTRIBUTED TO BANGOR TEACHERS SHOWED THAT MANY
         USED CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IN MAINTAINING ORDER IN THEIR CLASSROOMS.
                                     - United Press International radio wire

            Brown told  the group  he'll  be
         in  his  office  now  "burning  the
         midnight oil from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m."
                                     - San Bernardino Sun

"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result."
                                          - Winston Churchill

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
word alone."
                                          - Al Capone

"With God as my judge, I do not owe this tax."
                                          - Taxpayer
"He isn't.  I am.  You do."
                                          - Howard Dawson, tax judge

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
roller of an electric typewriter?"
                                          - Woody Allen

"I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough
to find your way around Chinatown."
                                          - Woody Allen

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
                                          - Unknown

"Egotist, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me."
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met."
                                          - Abraham Lincoln

"I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel."
                                          - Malachy McCourt

"Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, `Lillian, you should have
stayed a virgin.'"
                                          - Lillian Carter

"Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?"
                                          - Lorna Kerr-Walker

"Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint."
                                          - Mark Twain

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly.  I said I don't know."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?"
                                          - Spike Milligan
                                            The Goon Show, BBC Radio

"What do you look for in a script?"
                                          - Interviewer
"Days off."
                                          - Spencer Tracy

"Forgive your enemies.  But never forget their names."
                                          - John F. Kennedy

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring
me some coffee."
                                          - Abraham Lincoln

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time reading it."
                                          - Moses Hadas

"There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in this country.  The trouble is they
cost a quarter.  What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel."
                                          - Franklin P. Adams

"We have the best Congress money can buy."
                                          - Will Rogers

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress;
but I repeat myself."
                                          - Mark Twain

"I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant."
                                          - Ring Lardner

"Exit, pursued by a bear."
                                          - Stage direction, The Winter's Tale
                                            William Shakespeare

"I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts."
                                          - Will Rogers

"There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people."
                                          - Muhammad Ali, on one of his
                                            retirements

"Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable."
                                          - Samuel Johnson

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon
his horse, and rode madly off in all directions."
                                          - Stephen Leacock
                                            Gertrude the Governess
                                            Nonsense Novels, 1914

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they
go by."
                                          - Will Rogers

"A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed in pepper and vinegar, and then
thrown out."
                                          - Samuel Johnson

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
                                          - Mark Twain

"I don't want any yes-men around me.  I want everybody to tell me the truth even
if it costs them their jobs."
                                          - Samuel Goldwyn

"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."
                                          - Oscar Levant

"Nobody roots for Goliath."
                                          - Wilt Chamberlain

"If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop
them."
                                          - Yogi Berra

"I don't want to be quoted, and don't quote me that I don't want to be quoted."
                                          - CBS correspondent Winston Burdett,
                                            on the 1948 murder of correspondent
                                            George Polk

"Pass on it, Louis.  Civil War pictures have never made a dime."
                                          - Irving Thalberg to his boss, Louis
                                            B. Mayer, on Gone With the Wind

"Color and stereoscopy will make the cinema into the greatest art in the world.
Bad films will be impossible."
                                          - John Betjeman, 1935

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
                                          - H.M. Warner of Warner Bros., on the
                                            introduction of films with sound

"You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing.  It's not bombing.  It's air
support."
                                          - Col. H.E. Opfer, air attache,
                                            U.S. Embassy, Pnom-Penh

"There are enough rocks on earth to kill the world's population several times
over."
                                          - Lt. Gen. Daniel Graham, director
                                            Defense Intelligence Agency

"How do we know?  Fallout might be good for us."
                                          - Dr. Edward Teller, father of the
                                            hydrogen bomb

"Did you bug that conversation?"
"No, Senator, I did not."
"What did you do?"
"I recorded it."
                                          - John D. Ehrlichman at the Watergate
                                            hearings

"I was so busy with my work in court that I forgot to file my returns."
                                          - Judge Neville Tucker, on being
                                            arrested for failure to file federal
                                            income tax returns

"The policeman isn't there to create disorder.  The policeman is there to
preserve disorder."
                                          - Chicago Mayor Richard Dailey, 1968

"I snapped or something."
                                          - Orvall Wyatt Loyd of Dallas,
                                            on hacking his mother-in-law to
                                            death after mistaking her for a
                                            "large raccoon," 1981

"Brooms, etc. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $41,190.95"
                                          - Bookkeeping entry of the corrupt
                                            Tweed Ring, New York City, 1869

"How should we reply if we ever receive an extraterrestrial message?"
                                          - Reporter
"Hang up.  Look what happened to the Indians."
                                          - Dr. Albert Hibbs,
                                            Jet Propulsion Laboratory

"I saw the play under the worst possible conditions: the curtain was up."
                                          - George S. Kaufman

"It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated
very clearly."
                                          - Robert Benchley

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
                                          - Charles H. Duell, Director of the
                                            U.S. Patent Office, in a letter to
                                            President McKinley urging him to
                                            abolish the Patent Office, 1899.

"That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done...The [atomic] bomb will never
go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives."
                                          - Adm. William Leahy to President
                                            Truman, early 1945

"Rail travel at high speeds is not possible because passengers, unable to
breathe, would die of asphyxia."
                                          - Dr. Dionysius Lardner (1793-1859)

"Women who drive by and drop off their clothing
at Blank Speed Wash will receive prompt attention."
                                          - Advertisement, Anchorage Daily Times

"I think there is a world market for about five computers."
                                          - Thomas J. Watson, founder of IBM

"In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken."
                                          - Gen. Maxime Weygand, C in C, French
                                            Military Forces, after the fall of
                                            France, June, 1940
"Some chicken!  Some neck!"
                                          - Winston Churchill, 1941

"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping."
                                          - Navy Secretary Frank Knox
                                            December 4, 1941

"Well, don't worry about it....It's nothing."
                                          - Lt. Kermit Tyler, upon being told
                                            of radar returns indicating at
                                            least 50 aircraft traveling at
                                            about 180 mph toward Oahu,
                                            December 7, 1941

Cursor, n. [Possibly Old Irish cursagim "to blame"]  A faintly flickering symbol
on a CRT screen, used to test the eyesight and reflexes of the operator, and
indicating where the next keyed character will be rejected.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Default, n. [Possibly from Brookylnese "De fault wid dis system is youse guys."]
The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Downtime, n.  The period during which a system is error-free and immune from
user input.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Exit, v. intrans.  To attempt to leave the current program by typing a sequence
of ignored farewells.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Foolproof, adj. (Of a system)  Inaccessible by the user.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Prompt, n.  A delayed message from the system demanding an immediate response
from the user.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Query program, n.  A program that for all input strings X, responds with the
message ?X?
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

Editor, n. The software required to generate any number of deviant copies from
an original, correct text.
                                          - Stan Kelly-Bootle
                                            The Devil's DP Dictionary

"Did you feel the second impact before the first one?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Without relating the conversation, tell us what was said."
                                          - Statement by an attorney

"Were you present when the reporters were interviewing you on TV?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Well, if it wasn't your right leg, and it wasn't your left leg, which leg was
it?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Can you recall how fast your vehicle was going when you parked?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Do you suffer any pain other than when you breathe?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"You have testified that you can bend forward with your head, but can you touch
your toes with your chin?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Do you have any other complaint about your teeth besides the fact that you
haven't got them?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"You say that you cannot remember the accident, but can you say that the
accident has in any way affected your memory, or don't you remember?"
                                          - Question asked by an attorney

"Politics is the second oldest profession and is closely akin to the first."
                                          - Ronald Reagan

"We are not final because we are infallible.  We are infallible because we are
final."
                                          - Supreme Court Justice Jackson

"He was a bad lawyer, but he was the most sensible looking man talking nonsense
I ever saw."
                                          - Daniel O'Connell

"Honey in his mouth, knives in his heart."
                                          - Chinese proverb

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."
                                          - H.L. Mencken

"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not."
                                          - Mark Twain

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at
how much the old man had learned in seven years."
                                          - Mark Twain

"You know...everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
                                          - Will Rogers

"Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Few of us can stand prosperity.  Another man's, I mean."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there like an envelope with no address on it?"
                                          - Mark Twain

"Fleas can be taught nearly everything that a Congressman can."
                                          - Mark Twain

"No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
                                          - H.L. Mencken

"A sheep in sheep's clothing."
                                          - Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee
                                            (attributed)

"There, but for the grace of God, goes God."
                                          - Winston Churchill on Stafford Crips

"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
                                          - Groucho Marx

"Cut out all those exclamation remarks.  An exclamation mark is like laughing at
your own joke."
                                          - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I liked your opera.  I think I will set it to music."
                                          - Ludwig van Beethoven to a fellow
                                            composer (attributed)

"After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer,
police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals."
                                          - From The Two Ronnies, BBC-TV

"Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any
target available."
                                          - Joseph Heller
                                            Catch-22

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have
mediocrity thrust upon them.  With Major Major it had been all three."
                                          - Joseph Heller
                                            Catch-22

"`Yossarian?  Is that his name?  Yossarian?  What the hell kind of name is
Yossarian?'
  Lieutenant Scheisskopf had the facts at his fingertips.  `It's Yossarian's
name, sir,' he explained."
                                          - Joseph Heller
                                            Catch-22

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great
force."
                                          - Dorothy Parker, in a book review

"It is like someone jammed an electric light bulb in your face and busted it.  I
thought half my head was blowed off."
                                          - Jim Braddock, on being hit by Joe
                                            Louis, 1937

  `What Ho!' I said. `What Ho!' said Motty.
  `What Ho! What Ho!'
  `What Ho! What Ho! What Ho!'
  After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
                                          - P.G. Wodehouse
                                            Carry On, Jeeves, 1925

"A man's womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and
authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to
pity."
                                          - H.L. Mencken
                                            In Defense of Women, 1922

"Several tons of dynamite are set off in this picture -- none of it under the
right people."
                                          - James Agee
                                            Reviewing Tycoon, 1947

"Dr Rudolf Von Rudder explains how aircraft fly:
It's a simple theory.  Matter is lighter than air.  You see, the motors, they
pull the plane forward and they cause a draft, and then it taxis faster down the
field and the motors go faster and the whole plane vibrates, and then, when
there's enough of a draft and a vacuum created, the plane rises off the runway
into the air.  From then on, it's a miracle.  I don't know what keeps it up."
                                          - Mel Brooks
                                            Your Show of Shows, NBC-TV

"If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the
Devil in the House of Commons."
                                          - Winston Churchill, 1941

"When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.  But
let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any hour.
That's relativity."
                                          - Albert Einstein

"Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing."
                                          - Robert Benchley

"So far as good writing goes, the use of the exclamation mark is a sign of
failure.  It is the literary equivalent of a man holding up a card reading
LAUGHTER to a studio audience."
                                          - Miles Kingston

"At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a
picture of Hitler marked `This is your enemy.'  I searched every compartment but
he wasn't on the train."
                                          - Spike Milligan
                                            Adolf Hitler, My Part in His
                                            Downfall, 1971

"And while Hitler might chortle that his secret weapon was a mighty Luftwaffe
designed to obliterate the Royal Air Force, England's leaders knew that their
secret weapon was that they didn't have a Royal Air Force."
                                          - Bruce McCall
                                            That Fabulous Battle of Britain
                                            Zany Afternoons, 1983

"Telegraph fully all news you can get and when there is no news send rumors."
                                          - Wilbur F. Storey of the Chicago
                                            Times to Civil War correspondent

"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one."
                                          - A.J. Liebling
                                            New Yorker press critic

"Unconfirmed"
        - Subtitle of unconfirmed stories of WWII in the Boston Globe
"IMPORTANT IF TRUE"
        - Subtitle of unconfirmed stories used by some Civil War newspapers

"Bare."
                                          - Clive Barnes, The New York Times
                                            Complete review of the play
                                            The Cupboard

       My dear McClellan:
           If you don't want to use the army, I
       should like to borrow it for a while.
                        Yours respectfully,
                            A. Lincoln
                                          - Letter to Gen. George McClellan

Appeal, v.t.  In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"The only thing wrong with architecture is architects."
                                          - Frank Lloyd Wright

Amnesty, n.  The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too
expensive to punish.
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Defame, v.t.  1. To lie about another.  2. To tell the truth about another.
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Dentist, n.  A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins
out of your pocket.
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Fiddle, n.  An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on
the entrails of a cat.
                                          - Ambrose Bierce
                                            The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"`The natives listened with great interest to everything the missionary had to
say.  And then they ate him.' And so it goes."
                                          - Mark Twain, quoted by Linda
                                            Ellerbee on the final NBC News
                                            Overnight show

"I couldn't help it.  I can resist everything except temptation."
                                          - Oscar Wilde

"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in
the long run."
                                          - Mark Twain

"Democracy simply means the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people."
                                          - Oscar Wilde

"All lawyers should be shot."
                                          - William Shakespeare

"Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets
break through."
                                          - Jonathan Swift

"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die."
                                          - John W. Campbell

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
                                          - Groucho Marx

"The writing of more than 75 poems in any fiscal year should be punishable by a
fine of $500."
                                          - Ed Sanders

"It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry."
                                          - H. L. Mencken
"Women who miscalculate are called `mothers.'"
                                          - Abigail Van Buren

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a
common enemy."
                                          - Sam Levenson

"I hate quotations."
                                          - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and
dragged through the streets of Minneapolis."
                                          - Garrison Keillor

"Don't let it end like this.  Tell them I said something."
                                          - Last words of Pancho Villa

"Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them."
                                          - Samuel Palmer

"Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back
to that stalemate only because that our retaliatory power, our seconds, or
strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive that they
couldn't afford it, that it would hold them off."
                                          - Ronald Reagan when asked if
                                            nuclear war could be limited to
                                            tactical weapons

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning
to believe it."
                                          - Clarence Darrow

"Go, and never darken my towels again."
                                          - Groucho Marx

"Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it."
                                          - Andrew Young

"A radical is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air."
                                          - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"[He is] one of those persons who would be enormously improved by death."
                                          - H.H. Munro

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
                                          - Abraham Lincoln

"Women are like elephants to me.  I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to
own one."
                                          - W.C. Fields

"Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
                                          - Hedy Lamarr

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled."
                                          - Jeff Valdez

"Liars ought to have good memories."
                                          - Algernon Sidney

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."
                                          - Richard Pryor

"I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury."
                                          - George Burns

"Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very
little on office supplies."
                                          - Woody Allen

"I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty."
                                          - Nancy Reagan

"You know you're getting old when you notice how young the derelicts are
getting."
                                          - Jeanne Phillips

"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' and then I
thought: what the hell good would that do?"
                                          - Ronnie Shakes

"Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
                                          - Alex Levine

"The trouble with heart disease is that the first sympton is often hard to deal
with: sudden death."
                                          - Michael Phelps, M.D.

"After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, `Maybe life isn't for
everyone.'"
                                          - Larry Brown

"Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an
important source of protein."
                                          - Guindon

"Nothing is wrong in Southern California that a rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure."
                                          - Ross MacDonald

"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from
coast to coast without seeing anything."
                                          - Charles Kuralt

"They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze.  They should photograph
me through linoleum."
                                          - Tallulah Bankhead

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't
have in your home."
                                          - David Frost

"A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile
the way he did."
                                          - Gregory Nunn

"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions.  Conservatives feel they deserve
everything they've stolen."
                                          - Mort Sahl

"If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop
telling the truth about them."
                                          - Adlai Stevenson

"In America, anyone can become President.  That's one of the risks you take."
                                          - Adlai Stevenson

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency,
even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
                                          - Ronald Reagan

"There is no distinctly American criminal class -- except Congress."
                                          - Mark Twain

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
                                          - Groucho Marx

"The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the
pessimist fears this is true."
                                          - James Branch Cabell

"Specialists are people who always repeat the same mistakes."
                                          - Walter Gropius

"Television -- a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done."
                                          - Ernie Kovacs

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
                                          - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"Science may never come up with a better office communication system
than the coffee break."
                                          - Earl Wilson


"The best safety device on a car is a rear view mirror with a policeman in it."
                                          - Gil Stern

"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
                                          - John Kenneth Galbraith

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action."
                                          - A. Kindsvater

Brazil used to print a bank note worth one cruzeiro.  It was discontinued in
1960, when it was discovered that each cruzeiro note cost 1.2 cruzeiros to
print.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

During World War II a secret Japanese radio station was found operating in
Hollywood.  Lucille Ball had reported that whenever she walked near the area she
picked up Japanese radio broadcasts on some temporary lead fillings in her
teeth.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

Mrs. O'Leary's cow did not start the Great Chicago fire of 1871.  There was a
Mrs. O'Leary and she did have a cow, but she had milked the cow hours earlier,
put the lamp out, and was in bed when the fire started.  A reporter named
Michael Ahern admitted that he made the whole thing up to add color to his
story.  The Chicago Fire Academy now occupies the site of O'Leary's barn.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

King Louis XIX ruled France for a total of fifteen minutes.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

The bacteria responsible for the taste of sourdough bread was discovered in 1973
and was named lactobacillus sanfrancisco.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

Birds are not listening for worms when they tilt their head to the side while on
the ground.  They are turning their eyes (which, with few exceptions, are on the
side of the head) to see the ground.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

BVD (underwear) stands for the organizers of the BVD company: Bradley, Voorhies,
and Day.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

Romans never used chariots in wartime.  They used them for sport and
transportation.  Assyrians and Egyptians did use chariots in war.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

Coffee beans are actually the pits of a fruit, not beans.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

Hudson seal is not sealskin and does not have to come from the Hudson area.  It
is actually muskrat.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

Rice paper is not made from rice but from the pith of a tree called the
rice-paper tree, a small Asiatic tree of the ginseng family.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

Jordan almonds have nothing to do with either the river or the country.  The
name is a corruption of the Middle English jardin almande -- garden almond.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

The Kentucky rifle was not made in Kentucky.  It was actually made in
Pennsylvania, probably in Lancaster County, by Swiss colonists in the 1730s.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

A Kremlin is not just the building complex in Moscow; it actually refers to any
citadel or fortress designed to protect an inner city.  The Kremlin in Moscow is
just the most well-known Kremlin.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

Leap years do not automatically occur every four years.  If a centenary year is
not evenly divisible by 400, it is not a leap year.  The year 1900 didn't have a
leap day, but the year 2000 will have a leap day.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

India ink is not from India, and never was.  It's from China, so it should be
called China ink, which is exactly what the French call it.
                                          - Tom Burnam
                                            The Dictionary of Misinformation

In Oklahoma, it is against the law to get a fish drunk.  It is not certain
whether this ordinance is still in force or whether (or how) it is enforced.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
                                          - Albert Einstein

"Kangaroo [I don't know]."
- Response by aborigine to Captain Cook upon being asked the name of the animal.

Felix Wankel, auto engineer and inventor of the rotary automobile engine, never
had a driver's license.
                                          - Scot Morris, The Book of Strange
                                            Facts and Useless Information

Of the three occupations of police officer, firefighter, and garbage collector,
the most disabling injuries per million man-hours worked are suffered by garbage
collectors at 109.00.  The rate for police officers: 44.20; firefighters: 43.37.
                                          - National Safety Council


300,000 kilometers per second: it's not just a good idea, it's the law.

A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A committee is an animal with three or more stomachs and no brains.

"A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
                                             -- Winston Churchill

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.  -- Emerson

A friend asks only for your time, not your money.

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A king's castle is his home.

A lie in time saves nine.

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

A man who turns green has eschewed protein.

A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.

A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes.
                                              -- Robert A. Heinlein

A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are made for.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

A truly wise man does not attempt to warm himself before a picture of a fire.

Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.

Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinment.

Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.

Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.

Use, do not abuse, neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.
                                              -- Voltaire

Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
                                              -- Anonymous

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen.
                                              -- Spike Milligan

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.
                                              -- Alexander the Great

The guest who outstays his fellow-guests loses his overcoat.
                                              -- Chinese Proverb

When I appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth and swish my
tail - none of which is easy.
                                              -- Princess Anne

A small sorrow distracts; a great one makes us collected.
                                              -- Jean Paul Richter.

I thou desire to be held wise,be so wise as to hold thy tongue.
                                              -- Francis Quarles

Speech is a faculty given to man to conceal his thoughts.
                                           -- Alexandre de Talleyrand-Perigord


Just press the end if it! It works!
                                         -- Message just outside Level 16 Foyer.

Nothing grows well in the shade of a big tree.
                                              -- Constantin Brancusi

Money is like manure.  If you spread it around it does a lot of good.  But if
you pile it up in one place it stinks like hell.
                                              -- Clint Murchison Jr.

"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa!"

"I don't know anything that mars good literature so much as too much
truth."
                                                         --- Mark Twain

"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."
                                                 --- Aesop ---

"Our patience will achieve more than our force."
                           --- Edmund Burke ---

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself."
                                --- Martin Vanbee ---

"The worst thing about living alone is that it's always your turn to take
out the garbage."
                                                     --- Bill Roberts ---

"A nightclub has been ordered to close its main attraction, a shower enclosure
where nude dancers cavort for the enjoyment of male customers, because it has
no wheelchair access.  Los Angeles officials said the club discriminated
against wheelchair bound people because it denied them an equal opportunity to
work as nude dancers."
		--- Reuter as reported in Daily Telegraph Mirror - 22/4/94 ---

"Mutual satisfaction of needs forms the basis of any relationship.
Politicians proved otherwise."
				--- David Robson P.O. - 3/1/95 ---

"The study of history helps us not make the same mistakes twice. Pity
historians aren't in touch with the present."
				--- David Robson P.O. - 3/1/95 ---

"The start of the New Year: the time of which is determined by the person with
the strongest voice."
				--- Amongst the fireworks and honking horns,
				    David Robson P.O. - 3/1/95 ---

"They told me to get Windows 3.1 or better so I bought a Macintosh!"
"Then they told me to get Windows 95 or better...so I bought another Mac!"
"Now they tell me to get Windows NT 4.0 Server or better...I've ordered
another Mac!"

"If C had garbage collection there wouldn't be much left of the language"
                               --- Nick Rotenko (April 1998) ---

                              MURPHY'S CONSTANT:
          Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

                    O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW:
                           Murphy was an optimist.

                 ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW:
                           When it rains, it pours.

                             BOLINGS' POSTULATE:
                     If you're feeling good, don't worry.
                             You'll get over it.

                              SCOTT'S FIRST LAW:
           No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

                       MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS:
                       Things get worse under pressure.

                      COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY:
                           Nothing ever goes away.

                                 HOWES'S LAW:
                  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

                                 WYNNE'S LAW:
                      Negative slack tends to increase.

                               STURGEON'S LAW:
                          90% of everything is crud.

                                BOOKER'S LAW:
            An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

                              THE AIRPLANE LAW:
                      When the plane you are on is late,
                the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

                           FIRST LAW OF BYCYCLING:
                        No matter which way you ride,
                      it's uphill and against the wind.

                             FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE:
                       It's always the partner's fault.

                         RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION:
    When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content
         and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

                            ETORRE'S OBSERVATION:
                         The other line moves faster.

                                 BOOB'S LAW:
              You always find something the last place you look.

                           FIRST LAW OF REVISION:
     Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the
   designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.  (Often called
                       the "Now they tell us!" Law.)
       Corollary:
     In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious
   wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite
   subsequent revision.

                                MIKSCH'S LAW:
              If a string has one end, then it has another end.

                   LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY:
                         There's always one more bug.

                               SPRINKLE'S LAW:
                     Things always fall at right angles.

                               JENKINSON'S LAW:
                                It won't work.

                                 YOUNG'S LAW:
                  All great discoveries are made by mistake.
           Corollary:
      The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

                                 JONES'S LAW:
                The person who can smile when things go wrong
                  has thought of someone he can blame it on.

                               HARRIS'S LAMENT:
                         All the good ones are taken.

                                TRUMAN'S LAW:
                  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

                                PATTON'S LAW:
          A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

                                 CRANE'S LAW:
                  There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

                           PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW:
                      Expenditures rise to meet income.

                                 PAULG'S LAW:
                 In America, it's not how much an item costs,
                           it's how much you save.

                              RULE OF THE GREAT:
     When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking
            deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

                            HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
                Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

                                JONES'S MOTTO:
                 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

                           THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE:
            By definition, when you are investigating the unknown
                     you do not know what you will find.

                      NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW:
                A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

                                FLUGG'S RULE:
          The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

                           BASIC BAGGAGE PRINCIPLE:
                       Whatever carrousel you stand by,
                  your baggage will come in on another one.

                          LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL:
            Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

                        FIRST LAW OF LABORATORY WORK:
               Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

                          THUMB'S SECOND POSTULATE:
   An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex,
                           incomprehensible truth.

                            THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE:
                 People who love sausage and respect the law
                  should never watch either one being made.

                                THE GUPPY LAW:
           When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough,
               the public will not have enough stake in any one
                          expenditure to squelch it.
            Corollary:
                      Enough guppies can eat a treasury.

                           HORNGREN'S OBSERVATION:
          Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

                                WARREN'S RULE:
            To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
                   will take the longest and cost the most.

                               SCHROEDER'S LAW:
                   Indecision is the basis for flexibility.

                                 MEYER'S LAW:
                 It is a simple task to make things complex,
                   but a complex task to make them simple.

                               HANLON'S RAZOR:
   Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

                                QUIGLEY'S LAW:
       A car and truck approaching each other on an otherwise deserted
                     road will meet at the narrow bridge.

                               HERBLOCK'S LAW:
                      If it's good, they discontinue it.

                                 GOLD'S LAW:
                         If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

            "What do you mean, 'You've got a little job for me'?"
                                   ---+---
                                   Hercules

           " -Or was it unlock the safe then swim to the surface?"
                                   ---+---
                                  H. Houdini

          "I'm sure we can talk things out like civililzed people."
                                   ---+---
                                  John Wayne

                           "What are friends for?"
                                  ----+----
                                 R. M. Nixon

                     "Life is full of little surprizes."
                                  ----+----
                                   Pandora

                      "If you can't win fair, just win!"
                                  ----+----
                                 U. S. Grant

        "Winning isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing!"
                                  ----+----
                                  J. Caesar

                     "Ask not for whom the bell tolls..."
                                  ----+----
                                    M. Ali

                   "They don't make 'em like they used to!"
                                  ----+----
                                   H. Ford

                    "I just need to pick up a few things."
                                  ----+----
                                  I. Marcos

               "There's never a cop around when you need one!"
                                  ----+----
                                   J. Hoffa

                             "Who?  Me, officer?"
                                  ----+----
                                 J. Dillinger

                 "'M' is for the many things she taught me.."
                                  ----+----
                                   Oedipus

                             "I am not a crook!"
                                  ----+----
                                  Any Crook

                        "Sometimes luck isn't enough"
                                  ----+----
                                  L. Luciano

                     "I need all the friends I can get."
                                  ----+----
                                  Quasimodo

               "Petty crime is the scrourge of business today."
                                   ----+----
                                  D. Lorean

             "It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!"
                                  ----+----
                                  L. Borgia

                        "It's all a matter of taste."
                                  ----+----
                                  B. Midler

                        "What fools these mortals be."
                                  ----+----
                                    Smaug

    "Reputations are fine up to a point.  After that they become a pain."
                                  ----+----
                                   D. Juan

          "Reliable information is a must for successful planning."
                                  ----+----
                                 C. Columbus

       "To survive, one must be able to adapt to changing situations."
                                  ----+----
                              Tyrannosaurus Rex

                  "I don't see anything thrilling about it!"
                                  ----+----
                                  M. Jackson

           "First, lets decide who's leading and who's following."
                                  ----+----
                                  F. Astaire

                          "Nice jail, looks strong."
                                  ----+----
                                  H. Houdini

                   "I've never seen so damn many Indians."
                                  ----+----
                                 G. A. Custer

                  "Relax, Julie.  Everyone will understand."
                                  ----+----
                                    Romeo

                     "Everybody needs a career manager!"
                                  ----+----
                                 Lady Macbeth

                "The trail's got to be 'round here somewhere!"
                                  ----+----
                                   D. Boone

              "All right, pilgrim.  This is between you and me!"
                                  ----+----
                                 A. Hamilton

                      "There's no accounting for taste!"
                                  ----+----
                               Colonel Sanders

   "Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into nogotiations."
                                  ----+----
                                  G. Patton

          "Tell you what.  Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you..."
                                  ----+----
                                  Beelzebub

                     "I'm making this up as I go along!"
                                  ----+----
                                   I. Jones

                   "Some farewells are easier than others."
                                  ----+----
                                  P. Marlowe

                      "In a war against organized crime,
                   survival is a hit or miss proposition."
                                  ----+----
                                   M. Bolan

                       "The best plans often go fowl."
                                  ----+----
                                Wile E. Coyote

                  "The difference between an inside straight
                 and a blamed fools is callin' the last bet!"
                                  ----+----
                                  B. Maverik

                    "Kids?  Who said anything about kids?"
                                  ----+----
                                    Conan

                     "I'm doing this for your own good!"
                                  ----+----
                        any establishment executioneer...
                                or any parent

                     "Such stuff as dreams are made of."
                                  ----+----
                                  S. Beauty

              "There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out!"
                                  ----+----
                                  B. Cassidy

                            "What did I do wrong?"
                                  ----+----
                                  Lear, Rex

           "They never let you live it down.  One little mistake!"
                                  ----+----
                                     Nero

              "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!"
                                  ----+----
                                  L. Borgia

                       "I believe we're under attack."
                                  ----+----
                                 Col. Travis

          "No one would hide their true self behind a false face."
                                  ----+----
                                  L. Chaney

                        Strickland's law for students:
       If there is one question in a series of questions for which you
             do not know the answer, that's the one you're asked.

                                Dykstra's law:
                     Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

          Never in the history of mankind have so many people known
                        so much little about so much..
                                   ---+---
                                 James Burke

                        We are what we pretend to be..
                                   ---+---
                              Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

                   College isn't the place to go for ideas.
                                   ---+---
                                Hellen Keller

                         If you've seen one redwood,
                            you've seen them all.
                                   ---+---
                                Ronald Reagan

                        If you've seen one city slum,
                            you've seen them all.
                                   ---+---
                                 Spiro Agnew

                        It's not the size of the ship,
                         it's the size of the waves.
                                   ---+---
                                Little Richard

                Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
                                   ---+---
                                  Ken Kesey

                   The most merciful thing in the world...
      is the inability of the human mind to correlate all it's contents.
                                   ---+---
                               H. P. Lovecraft

          The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.
                But the opposite of a profound truth may well
                          be another profound truth.
                                   ---+---
                                  Niels Bohr

        Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
                                   ---+---
                                  Bo Diddley

                  Nothing is true.  Everything is permitted.
                                   ---+---
                               Hassan I. Sabbah

          Confound these ancestors.. They've stolen our best ideas!
                                   ---+---
                                 Ben Johnson

                It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
                    to get adapted to my kind of fooling.
                                   ---+---
                                   R. Frost

    There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
                                   ---+---
                                  Heisenberg

        God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
                                   ---+---
                                   Voltaire

    The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
                                   ---+---
                                 Oscar Wilde

                       If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
                                   ---+---
                                  Bert Lantz

    You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
                               are now extinct.
                                   ---+---
                             M. Somerset Maugham

                     We have met the enemy and he is us..
                                   ---+---
                             Walt Kelly (in POGO)

                 Civilization is a movement, not a condition;
                        it is a voyage, not a harbor.
                                   ---+---
                                   Toynbee

                      Some people like my advice so much
            they they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
                                   ---+---
                              Gordon R. Dickson

         Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
    united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
                                   ---+---
                                     Goya

                Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
                                   ---+---
                                Oh, Lucky Man

           Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen
                  and thinking what no one else has thought.
                                   ---+---
                             Albert Szent-Gyorgi

                        Love is a matter of chemistry,
                       but sex is a matter of physics.
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

                  Any given program, when running correctly,
                                 is obsolete.
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

                         After all is said and done,
                     a lot more has been said than done.
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

                      The meek will inherit the Earth...
                        The rest will go to the stars.
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

              That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest..
                                   ---+---
                                   Thoreau

                 Pioneering basically amounts to finding new
                        and more horrible ways to die.
                                   ---+---
                               John W. Campbell

                   There are a lot of lies going around...
                          and half of them are true.
                                   ---+---
                              Winston Churchill

                    I like a man who grins when he fights.
                                   ---+---
                              Winston Churchill

                       A billion here, a billion there,
                  sooner or later it adds up to real money.
                                   ---+---
                               Everett Dirksen

                 A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
                                   ---+---
                                   Bismarck

             You don't have to explain something you never said.
                                   ---+---
                               Calvin Coolidge

         I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself,
          but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head!
                                   ---+---
                                George Wallace

                     To err is human, to compute divine.
                 Trust your computer but not it's programmer!
                                   ---+---
                               Morris Kingston

               What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
                                   A stick!
                                   ---+---
                         Bill Kirchenbaum, a comedian

                             The Swartzberg Test:
            The validity of a science is it's ability to predict.

                 Six years for possession of a cigarette?...
             I got six months for possession of a deadly weapon!
                                   ---+---
                             cartoon by S. Harris

            An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself..
                                   ---+---
                                    Camus

         Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
      control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles..
                                   ---+---
                                 Pat Paulsen

              Well, if ya don't like the system, go elsewhere..
                                   ---+---
                                  John Kerr

     Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried..
                                   ---+---
                               Thomas Jefferson

      We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately..
                                   ---+---
                              Benjamin Franklin

    Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations..
                                   ---+---
                               Thomas Jefferson

           The government of the United States is not in any sense
                     founded on the christian religion..
                                   ---+---
                              George Washington

                              Ketterling's Law:
          Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence..

                             Civilization Law #1:
    Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
                   one can do without thinking about them.

                              Bradley's Bromide:
    If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee..
                            that will do them in.

                            Make no little plans.
                   They have no magic to stir men's blood.
                                   ---+---
                                 D. B. Hudson

           Birth, copulation, and death.  That's all the facts when
                           you come to brass tacks.
                                   ---+---
                                 T. S. Elliot

                   Science has proof without any certainty.
                Creationists have certainty without any proof.
                                   ---+---
                               Ashley Montague

    Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
                                   ---+---
                             George Bernard Shaw

                  I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
                                   ---+---
                                   Graffiti

                        He hasn't one redeeming vice.
                                   ---+---
                                 Oscar Wilde

         I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
                                   ---+---
                                Samuel Goldwyn

                  I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
                                   ---+---
                                   Graffiti

                     The unnatural, that too is natural.
                                   ---+---
                                    Goethe

             It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a
                            good impromptu speech.
                                   ---+---
                                  Mark Twain

                   Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
                                   ---+---
                               Book of Proverbs

           Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance..
                                   ---+---
                                  Confucius

                There is no hell, only downtown Philadelphia..
                                   ---+---
                               A recent visitor

       If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
    then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
                                   ---+---
                               Gerald Weinberg

                                Thoreau's Law:
         If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
                doing you good, you should run for your life.

        The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
                                   ---+---
                                 Roger Levian

                  Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
                that everything he encounters needs pounding.
                                   ---+---
                                Abraham Kaplan

                      The meek shall inherit the earth,
                         but not it's mineral rights.
                                   ---+---
                                J. Paul Getty

                        Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
               If the probability of success is not almost one,
                          then it is damn near zero.
                                   ---+---
                                 David Ellis

               Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
                        chances are you won't either.
                                   ---+---
                                Joseph Fischer

      The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
                                   ---+---
                                 Paul Erlich

              When more and more people are thrown out of work,
                            unemployment results.
                                   ---+---
                               Calvin Coolidge

               Law of computability applied to social sciences:
            If at first you don't suceed, transform you data set.
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

           He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
                                   ---+---
                                 M. C. Escher

           An object never serves the same function as it's image -
                                or it's name.
                                   ---+---
                                Rene Magritte

             The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
                                   ---+---
                              Tenessee Williams

          Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
                                   ---+---
                               Bullwinkle Moose

                   To know the world one must construct it.
                                   ---+---
                                Cesare Pavese

                 It takes a long time to understand nothing.
                                   ---+---
                               Edward Dahlberg

      "Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
   and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic."
                                   ---+---
                                Lewis Carroll

                  If we make peaceful revolution impossible,
                   we make violent revolution inevitiable.
                                   ---+---
                               John F. Kennedy

         We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
                                   ---+---
                             Dwight D. Eisenhower

              Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
           But there are dishonest men in national government too.
                                   ---+---
                               Richard M. Nixon

      The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls..
                                   ---+---
                            Father Robert F. Capon

           The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization..
                                   ---+---
                                  Alan Coult

             America is the only country that went from barbarism
                to decadence without civilization in between.
                                   ---+---
                                 Oscar Wilde

                To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
                    and call whatever you hit the target.
                                   ---+---
                              Ashleigh Brilliant

                      By doing just a little every day,
            I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.
                                   ---+---
                              Ashleigh Brilliant

                      If you can't learn to do it well,
                        learn to enjoy doing it badly.
                                   ---+---
                              Ashleigh Brilliant

                        I either want less corruption,
                     or more chance to participate in it.
                                   ---+---
                              Ashleigh Brilliant

                     Try to be the best of what you are,
                       even if what you are is no good.
                                   ---+---
                              Ashleigh Brilliant

                     We don't know who discovered water,
                     but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
                                   ---+---
                                 John Culkin

     Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas..
                                   ---+---
                                  Ken Weaver

                        Nobody can be exactly like me.
                        Even I have trouble doing it.
                                   ---+---
                              Tallulah Bankhead

           The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that
                            it is comprehensible..
                                   ---+---
                               Albert Einstein

        Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space..
                                   ---+---
                                   Graffiti

                In the provice of the mind, what one believes
                 to be true either is true or becomes true..
                                   ---+---
                                  John Lilly

                     Anyone can hate.. it costs to love..
                                   ---+---
                               John Williamson

                       Real wealth can only increase..
                                   ---+---
                            R. Buckminster Fuller

                       Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!!
                                   ---+---
                                  Anonymous

 The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

 No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
 bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else, cheaper.

 No one's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
 legislature is in session.

 In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

 Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to
 the exact centre.

 When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
 it will work perfectly.

 A pipe gives a wise man time to think and fool something to
 stick in his mouth.

 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll
 have another drink.

 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

 In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of
 incompetence, and then remains there.

 You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the
 garbage truck is two doors away.

 The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the
 strong, but that's the way to bet.

 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

 Murphy's Golden Rule:  -- Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

 Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
 plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

 Celibacy is not hereditary.

 The other line always moves faster.

 Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

 If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

 A $300.00 picture tube will protect a $0.10 fuse by blowing first.

 If it jams-force it, if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

 The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

 When in doubt, mumble, when in trouble, delegate.

 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

 It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

 A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

 Murphy was an optimist.

 No good deed goes unpunished.

 Self starters - will not.

 Leakproof seals - will.

 Interchangeable parts - won't.

 There is always one more bug.

 Nature is a mother.

 Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.

 90% of everything is crud.

 If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.

 All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

 Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.

 Never eat prunes when you are famished.

 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

 A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

 Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

 You will always find things in the last place you look.
 You should have looked there, first!

 Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

 The following sentence is a lie.
 The preceding sentence is true.

 In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more
 than one person is involved.

 Any error that can creep in, will.  It will be in the direction that
 will do the most damage to the calculation.

 All constants are variables.

 In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will
 be the source of error.

 A decimal will always be misplaced.

 In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will
 always move to the denominator.

 Any wire cut to length will be too short.

 Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum
 difficulty of assembly.

 Identical units tested under identical conditions will not
 be identical in the field.

 The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need
 for that component.

 If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.

 If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be
 available.  It can't be made with any series or parallel combination.

 A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage (also known
 as the law of selective gravitation.

 A device selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will
 be a member of the 1% group.

 When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will be wrong.

 The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan or
 drawing is directly proportional to its importance.

 Probability of failure of a component assembly, subsystem or
 system is inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.

 If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will
 malfunction.

 Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.

 A dc meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and will
 be wired in backwards.

 The most delicate component will drop.

 Graphic recorders will deposit more ink on humans than on paper.

 If a circuit cannot fail, it will.

 A fail-save circuit will destroy others.

 An instantaneous power-supply crowbar circuit will operate too late.

 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect
 the fuse by blowing first.

 A self-starting oscillator won't.

 A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency -- if it
 oscillates at all.

 A PNP transistor will be an NPN.

 A zero-temperature-coefficient capacitor used in a critical
 circuit will have a TC of -750 ppm/degree C.

 A failure will not appear till a unit has passed Final Inspection.

 A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough,
 and only long enough, to pass
 Incoming Inspection.

 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
 cover it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

 After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
 it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

 After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be
 found on the bench.

 Hermetic seals will leak.

 Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.

 Manufacturers' spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0,
 which ever is more optimistic.  For salesman's claims, use 0.1 or 10.0.

 In any given price estimate, cost of equipment will exceed the estimate
 by a factor of 3.

 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.

 A patent application will be preceded by one week by a
 similar application made by an independent worker.

 The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence
 will extend.

 The necessity of making a major design change increases as the
 fabrication of the system approaches completion.

 Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the
 tightness of the schedule.

 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
 EXAMPLE:  Velocity will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

 An important Instruction or Operating Manual will have been
 discarded by Receiving.

 Suggestions made by the Value Analysis group will increase costs
 and reduce capabilities.

 Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.

